My postpartum experience and reason number 100 why I value this work

It came to me last night that whenever I have spoken about my postpartum experience with Blue, it starts from my mum doing the salt baths, and bringing over chicken stock for my recovery. I speak about it from that point, with fondness and a sense of nurturing and warmth. This point in time, is about 2 weeks after she was born, and 3 days after her death. In the immediate aftermath of Blue’s birth, amidst the chaos of her not breathing, I was dressed by a paramedic, put into a wheelchair and taken into an ambulance. My heart was racing and I was taken to a separate area where I was waiting to see if my baby was alive or not.

I was wheeled around, moved rooms about 3 times I think, to then be taken to a room where I received stitches. The midwifes kept apologising for moving me around and they finally put me in a room. I went to see Blue for the first time since she was born, and she was tubed up and I noticed her breathing tube was sellotaped to her lips quite roughly. We were told that she was going to be transferred to another NICU and whether I wanted to ride in the ambulance with her alone, as my husband couldn’t join us. I didn’t feel strong enough to do that alone so we said we follow the ambulance and get there before she does. Leaving the hospital was chaotic. I was again up and about, from meeting room to bed.

It was only that night, when we were given a room on the NICU ward, that it really landed what had happened. It dawned on me that Blue wasn’t alive, and I don’t think she was here. But the interventions meant she was brought back and perhaps she was wasn’t supposed to stay.

The next 5 days, I was bleeding, my milk came in so my breasts felt rock hard. I was emotional and I felt totally forgotten. I was eating canteen food for most days and my mum brought me some bits too. But we had no clothes as the hospital bag was still in the car at home since we were transferred by ambulance. Neither of us wanted to leave Blue, so we went to Sainsburys and bought clothes from there. I remember asking my parents to help bring clothes, and I think they didn’t think too much about it, grabbed a handful from my underwear drawer and brought over a thong…. It showed me how much you forget what its like in the postpartum. It also reaffirmed my core belief that I cant rely on anyone which is a tough place to be in.

I remember just feeling utterly helpless, let down and lost. I had to force my feelings down,  and hold it together whilst my world crumbled. I felt like a complete after thought. The postpartum bleeding was new to me, the body ache, the swelling, everything. I was ruining hospital towels and the staff weren’t there to take care of me as I wasn’t a patient. I totally blanked out this experience as it was so hurtful and so painful.

When I went to India and my cousin was newly postpartum herself, I was jealous and also awestruck of the care she received. I wanted it. It was exactly what I needed, the touch, the warmth, the space to rest.

Although I wasn’t taken care of in the immediate postpartum, and felt forgotten. My friends did show up, and its because of those acts of kindness that really brought me back. My story is of resilience, but it took me being in the gutter with my mental health before I sought help, and the help came in spades.

From getting therapy, to connecting and speaking to other mums who had similar experiences, to having my friends and family around. I am here, living in abundance  and I am in a place where I can pour out to others.

A day in the life of a postpartum doula

Before I attend to a mama, I wanted to write out the things that need to happen in the background for each visit to be meaningful and nourishing.

Roughly 2- 3 weeks before the due date, I start planning. Astrologically, my Mars is in Capricorn, so if anyone knows how to work, it’s us. The planning involves looking up recipes that cater to your lineage and background. For example, if my client is European let’s say Italian in this instance, I would research traditional recipes eaten in the postpartum by your Nonna and Great Nonna. It is important I lean into this as I want to create a package that’s bespoke to you and what your body will recognise when you taste the food.

Once I have a rough list of main meals, soups, snacks, teas, I then start sourcing the food. I go for organic and farm fed food as I know how much the quality of meat and veg matter. The shopping list is prepared, and around 2 weeks before due date, I buy what I need.

Before birth I make bone broth (broda) and this time I chose to make a green soup that’s full of iron and yumminess. I do this so that when I arrive in person, I can give her a cup of broth to drink for each day I am there. The green soup is frozen and so it will last well after my time is up. I bring a snack which can be saved for labour such as peanut butter dates, and raspberry leaf and nettle infusion tea.

Everything I make, I pour my intentions into. As I am stirring the broth and the soup, I am intending for it to be nourishing. I intend for it to be tasty and warming. I intend for it to be loving and that baby receives all of this.

Once that pre birth food drop is done, I work through my menu list. I will freeze two more meals, and then bring two fresh meals. The frozen ones will be the more heavier meats like oxtail stew and sausage stew. The fresh would be the lighter soups like egg drop with greens and chicken liver.

When I arrive on day one after she has been discharged, I bring a home made loaf of bread, two different snacks, the frozen oxtail, and fresh soup.

The plan is that I arrive with the box of food, and then whilst we de brief on the birth, Ill have a pot of herbs simmering for the bath I am running.

It’s so important to land and feel grounded when I arrive, so I will spend the first hour just holding space and see how she is feeling. I offer a gentle massage using olive oil and maybe plait her hair as mothers we need gentle touch. The oils I pick again resonate with where you are from and your background, for South Asians I would use more ayurvedic oils, but for Europeans, I would chose olive oil or something more local to the land.

Once we have had this space and time, I pour the herbs (through a sieve) into the bath. I set up all her bits to change into, towel, pads, clean clothes. Leave some petals in the bath and let her melt into it to process the huge transition she has been through.

Bathing is very dear to my heart. It feels so right in my bones as I can feel it’s something my ancestors did for many many generations. Herbal bathing restores us. It heals or wounds and gives us space to just be.

Whilst she is bathing, I get cracking with jobs around the house so she doesn’t have to worry about that. I asked my client before birth to write a note of the things she does as soon as she wakes up. So if hubby can’t get to it, ill do it when I’m there. If the dishwasher needs unloading, or washing put on / put away, or nappy bins emptied then I can do that.

After the bath, I bring a tray over of the soup, snacks and tea that I have made so she can get back into bed.

I will also introduce belly wrapping so she can learn to do this inbetween meals.

Over the course of the 40 days, I follow this structure and gradually take something away so that by the time my care ends, she will hopefully feel held and supported.

Cleavers

Cleavers aka sticky willy is a plant that grows in abundance in the UK and traditionally it has been used for lymphatic drainage. Think of your swollen ankles at the end of pregnancy or for heart patient who have recently had surgery. Cleavers clears waste, and the lymph nodes move that liquid along.

Cleavers can be used in an infusion, so you pick the plant, wash it thoroughly with water and then white vinegar,  and then place it in a bottle / jar with fresh clean water overnight. Drink the water first thing in the morning and the plant helps remove excess water from your body.

In traditional medicine, the winter our body needs to store fat. Its no coincidence that most of us indulgence in lovely food and drinks during the Christmas season. However, when Spring arrives, our bodies need to shed the excess fat we are storing. So to help this process, cleavers is a plant that is free to use and easily accessible.

Dandelion leaves are another plant that helps heal the gal bladder.

If you look at cleavers, it is all tangled and wavey looking. The plant represents physical and emotional entanglements, therefore anyone with boundary problems should have this plant as an alley to help build healthy boundaries.

The infusion is cooling, therefore if you suffer from mastitis and a fever then this plant helps to naturally bring it down alongside the medicines you may be prescribed by a doctor.

Cleavers are part of the coffee plant, and the balls of the plant can be used as an alternative to coffee.

When we speak about plant benefits, we also need to talk about the emotional toll and impact the person is facing. Our emotions sit in various parts, the most common in women being the throat. If you aren’t speaking up for what you need. The pelvis holds our pain when we don’t have strong boundaries, sexuality or a history of trauma.

Skin flare ups, or eczema may mean congestion from the inside and so working with plants that help clear the lymphs is beneficial.

May cleavers shed what you need to let go of.

Toolkit for the Postpartum

When I was pregnant with Blue, my thoughts on postpartum went something like this – very little actual knowledge of what it is like after birth, buying crappy maternity pads from boots which were no bigger than a regular period pad, and a bottle of pre-made formula in the fridge. I went to NCT classes and left wholly unprepared even after the 3 hour breastfeeding course. Sadly, I don’t think much has changed since 2018. Why is it that we give so much weight to birth and yet the postpartum is something we.. wing? Perhaps we are lucky to have family around and think – “oh well my mum brings me food usually and knows how to take care of me when I’m sick so I’ve got her, I’m all good”. Which is great if you have a mother who is available to help you, but in my experience even though with all the best intentions at heart, family members still feel massively overwhelmed when there is a newborn in the room.

My mother is one of 7 children, all born at home by traditional midwives in Kerala. My mum recalls seeing the vytathi coming over and being frightened of her as she knew it meant my mums sisters would be in pain. There’s about a 20 year age gap between my mum (no. 7) and no. 1 my valiamma (big mum). The postpartum meant that the birthing woman would be treated differently. She got the best fish curry as far as my mum knew. When it came to her pregnancy with me, and my brother ,she was miles away in London. Very little family support and no mother to guide her into the transition of motherhood. My mum speaks of her postpartum in London with that overriding sense of resilience. I don’t think its resilience, its that jaw clenching, teeth together biting sensation when you begrudgingly get on with things because you had no choice. There was no rest. With my brother it was even worse for her as she suffered a form of paralysis in her left leg after birth. She would speak about using her arm and teeth to lift my brother up to feed him.

The need to move countries, to migrate for work and opportunity is something many of us are familiar with. What I have learnt through that move is that, alongside the loss of identity. Is the loss of comfort and familiarly when you go through rites of passages. Postpartum was sacred in India, if my mum was at home when she had me or my brother, she would have been doted on hand and foot. Meals cooked for her. Bodywork, oil treatments and herbal remedies. But since she didn’t receive that, it meant she had to either learn it from others to help me. Which is a hard task when you aren’t someone who accepts help or takes time for self care.

One of the hardest things I faced in my postpartum was hearing the words: “all mothers go through this, all mothers suffer, we all had to get on with it”. Those words cut deep and even though in my head I knew that wasn’t right, it took a long time for me to be courageous enough to speak up.

Postpartum care is so important, it is vital for longevity of life and a life worth living and not just surviving.

My tips for mothers who are heading into their postpartum would be to prepare. Prepare for how you want to feed your baby, how you want to honour the transition into motherhood and honour the bond you want to make with your baby.

First of all each woman should have a directory of who they need to call upon if shit hits the fan. This is vital before birth so you aren’t scrambling across social media trying to find the local lactation midwife.

·       Paediatric cranial sacral therapist. A qualified practitioner who specifically works with babies is vital if you had an intervention at birth as you baby may have a lot of residual tension in their jaw/face/ neck/spine. Its best to get this checked and resolved before just focusing on mechanical feeding issues such as tongue tie.

·       A lactation midwife. A really great breastfeeding midwife can provide so much guidance and help in those trick early weeks if breastfeeding is painful for longer than a few days. Nipple trauma is common but prolonged pain is not normal and you should seek help and not suffer through it.

·       Herbal remedies in stock before you give birth. Find your local herbalist or order medicines before birth. I had no idea how bad afterpains can be especially for your 2nd or subsequent babies. Apparently, the pain is worse after each baby! But this normal functioning pain shouldn’t be something you suffer in silence for. There are wonderful natural remedies you can use.

·       Postpartum Doula. This goes without saying that your Doula should be at the forefront of your care in the postpartum. Depending on who you hire, they could be there for emotional support, food prep, herbal remedies or belly wrapping.

·       Pelvic floor therapist. Finding a qualified pelvic floor expert that covers postpartum women is key even if you didn’t have a physiological vaginal birth. You don’t want to be that mum who can’t go on the trampoline (I am her!). Whenever I spoke about this to the boomer generation, I either get met with indifference like it is so common so it must be normal, or with horror that women are leaking. Pelvic floor recovery takes time and the key thing is rest, being horizonal.

·       A birth partner or family members who are supportive in your choices to breastfeed (if you wish to). There are countless stories of breastfeeding being sabotaged by unwanted comments. These come from a place of worry and concern, but those concerns are massively heightened and absorbed by a vulnerable postpartum mum. The mother shouldn’t be the one advocating at every feed whether she has enough milk or not. Nor having to hide her feeding because there are elders in the room or God forbid other men. It is on all of us to support this absolute goddess for bringing new life to this earth instead of putting our doubts on her. If in doubt, get help. But until then, lets not project fears.

I am so passionate about this work because I have felt the vulnerability after birth. How sensitive I was and it felt like my hip was breaking in two. The breastfeeding pain, the lack of sleep and not being held emotionally through those early days. I support women across East London in the postpartum period and I do this work because I give myself the same treatments (if I am not time pressured of course) when I have my period. For I believe, that if I am nourished and taken care of, I can then share that gift with others. I come with my cup full, with a solid understanding of how important is it to be nurtured. After our time together, I hope that it is something you will remember. That you allowed yourself to be taken care of and above all, you totally deserved it.

Blue

For some of us, life throws us a massive curve ball and it comes completely unexpected and divides our life: the version of you before the event, and the person you have become since.

Life before Blue was very ordinary. I met my husband at a time when I felt fulfilled in my life that I wasn’t looking for anything or anyone in particular. Sounds cliché but I was genuinely having a great time and I felt a sense of freedom I hadn’t done in my 20s. We met and were married within 18 months of meeting. When you know, you know. I found out I was expecting Blue a few days after I received a promotion at work. The thing about grief is that you pick apart scenarios thinking it could have changed the outcome. I celebrated a lot after my promotion and the guilt of that is still a small voice in my heart.

After a fairly smooth pregnancy, we were playing the waiting game for her to arrive. My bump by 38 weeks looked like a deflated balloon, but all was well according to my chart. Blue was born suddenly at home at 41 weeks. She was unresponsive and grey. But the moment didn’t land for me until we reached the hospital. I remember the few minutes I had with her alone in my bath, where I kissed her on her lips. I remember the feeling of the placenta falling out and seeing the cord turn white. I’ve often heard friends and family express how scared I must have been. To be honest, the contractions were so intense I didn’t have time to think. Blue very nearly ended up being a toilet baby as I felt the urge to poo but then quickly changed my mind and went back in the bath. Everything was instinctual in how I gave birth. The way I moved, the way I needed to stand at the point of her birth. The feeling of birth did feel euphoric for a second. I knew something wasn’t right when I saw her. She had the amniotic sack over her face and so it made her look a little strange.

For the first time in my life, my body did what it needed to do and my mind was a bystander. I am forever grateful that it didn’t lead to another emergency for me.

After Blue died, I was searching for answers. I googled, researched, read. I had to fulfil my intellectual part of brain to find the solution, the why us, why her. I came across an old story printed in Ireland of a woman who also gave birth suddenly.  Her baby died 5 days later and she gave birth in the hospital. I was desperate for connection, and to relate to someone else and this story really landed that someone else somewhere also went through something similar.

How do you process grieving a child? I don’t know, but I still remember the 1st hour where I wasn’t sad and consumed by my loss. It was after a work colleague suggested I take PT lessons with her other half. I remember walking into that gym the first time, wearing my pre pregnancy gym wear, which absolutely did not fit. I don’t know who I was kidding. I got straight into doing movements, and lifting weights. It didn’t feel like I was bypassing, but my mind had to focus on something else, something in the present. I walked out, and I noticed – hey that was the first time I hadn’t thought about Blue. The guilt soon followed of course.

I was privileged enough to have private healthcare and an onsight psychologist at work. For 6 months, I had weekly therapy and then started EMDR. This type of therapy was life changing, and I could see how my mind was starting to take the charge out of the graphic memories into more manageable thoughts.

Grief comes in waves and there are times, even now, 7 years in, I will miss the life I should have had. I watch my two girls play, and I imagine what Blue would have looked like playing alongside them. Their big sister.

I know she is watching over them and will do so until we are all together. I don’t have the answers on how to live around such a momentous and tragic event. But I do know that I didn’t do this alone. I couldn’t have done this alone. Everyone who has thought of us, reached out, came over to see us, shared their love, brought food, brought jokes, – we received it all. You guys all helped build us back up.

The future now is a bit uncertain. But what I have learnt is that I have a deeper sense of love and empathy, I wasn’t so conscious of before. I feel sudden death so deeply, and especially if its of a child. I often think of the mothers in Palestine, Congo and Sudan not being able to protect their babies whilst I am lucky enough to tuck them into a warm bed. It is a privilege being the mother of Blue. But the real honour is using my grief and her loss to fuel love and empathy. This is my why, and why I do the work I do.